Takes on Snakes On A Plane...some musings

Given the hoopla surrounding Samuel L. Jackson’s “Snakes on a Plane,” I predict that it’s a sure thing that Hollywood in its infinite capacity for duplication will have a plethora of SOAP rip-offs ready for viewing by next summer. Some of my prognostications are:

(Photo credit Philippe Noret - AirTeamimages)

Bakes on a Plane: Duncan Hines launches an assassination plot against Martha Stewart, forcing her to judge an airborne bake-off using ready-made cake mixes. Fortunately, she escapes her fate when Master Baker Jim Dodge, who is traveling on the same plane, whips up two “real” desserts from scratch in the airplane galley, assisted by a perky Flight Attendant who took two courses in Home Economics while in High School.

Fakes on a Plane: In an attempt to corner the gel-breast-implant market, a trio of nefarious gel-breast-implant marketing executives stashes a crate of nanobots in the cargo hold of a plane carrying a convention of Liza Minnelli, Cher and Madonna imitators. The nanobots are programmed to search and destroy all silicone breast implants. (Yes, I know that there is an intrinsic plot conflict here, but it’s Hollywood – they’ll overlook the silicone-chip in the bots issue). Fortunately for the imitators, a handsome, recently-divorced computer programmer is also traveling on the plane. Assisted by a plucky Flight Attendant who is really a Fulbright Scholar working on her thesis on Artificial Intelligence in her spare time, they race to save the world from a future in which we are all in danger from dangerously depleted silicone boobies.

Stakes on a Plane: In a desperate attempt to get out from underneath his evil web of influence, NBC executives place caskets carrying the undead on a 747 carrying Donald Trump from New York to London, working on the assumption that it takes bloodsuckers to kill a bloodsucker. Trump and his entourage are nearly torn to shreds by the rampaging vampires. However, rabid but intrepid “Sex in the City” fans are onboard, and aided by a pert gay male Flight Attendant, spring into action, sacrificing their Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos, impaling the undead evildoers right in the heart with their 3-4” stiletto heels while sipping on Starbucks Low-Fat Macchiato Lattes.

Drakes on a Plane: The Brothers Grimm hatch a gruesome plot to assassinate Mother Goose, shipping a cargo-hold full of male Mallard ducks, loaded up with testosterone to make them highly sexually charged and not very picky about the specie of their partners. Fortunately, a widowered, black-leather-wearing veterinarian is also traveling on the plane, and is ably assisted by a plucky Flight Attendant who took two courses in comparative Biology while in community college. Can they save Mother Goose from being ducked to death?

(Duck photo credit: Wikipedia Commons Public Domain)

Shakes on a Plane: Mel Gibson and Andy Dick agree to do a charitable function which consists of a non-stop airplane flight around the world, lasting well over one day with in-flight refueling. Sadly, neither Mel nor Andy’s agents bother to check to see who is sponsoring this charity, which is Adult Jewish Children of Alcoholics. Only too late do they find that the non-stop flight is alcohol-free. Fortunately, they are rescued by Robert Downey, Jr., who parachutes in, cross-dressed as a perky Flight Attendant wearing a Silent Bob overcoat packed with full flasks, saving the vibrating stars from terminal D.T.’s.

Flake on a Plane: A planeload of 50 working women, all full-time moms in addition to holding down full-time jobs, are returning from a Psychiatric Medicine Practitioners’ Convention in Chicago when they realize that Tom Cruise is sitting in First Class. Springing into action, it takes 49 of them to hold him down, but only one to administer the badly-needed injection of Thorazine while explaining to him the meaning of the term “manic-depressive.” As penance for his career as a jackass, he is forced to have “I’m Sorry, Katie” tattooed across his chest without benefit of anesthesia, although the psychiatric travelers do allow him to take vitamins to cheer himself up. No one tries to save him, but several months later, he does audition at Paramount for the part of a perky Flight Attendant.


Yes, I know….what about FOOD, you ask? Sometimes, you just have to feed your soul, not your body, and this was one of those days. Scout’s honor – I’ll be back to food next week. P.S. – Has anyone out there actually found an edible ready-made or frozen potsticker? Drop us a line and let us know – we would like to try some, and we’re leery of Pagoda’s line after our dreary recent experience with their Chicken Egg Rolls. Until next week!